A bold new plan to fix the world has come on the scene to compete with the likes of carbon sequestering, cloud seeding and the ever popular installation of millions and billions of mirrors in the atmosphere to reflect the sun back where it came from.

These are all serious plans with serious credentials and money backing  them. But the new plan, which recently leaked out of the US and is endorsed by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) and various other do-gooder organizations around the globe, has received sweeping endorsements and many insiders expect it to come into play sooner than later.

The concept addresses the concern that the human race is getting too big for its britches, i.e. its planet. So the analogy goes, just like bodybuilders ‘bulk up,’ so must the planet Earth. Geo scientists believe they have found a way to increase the size of Earth and therefore maximize its capacity.

“Basically we need to get this planet on a heavy cycle of steroids and bulk this sucker up,” says geo-tech Tim Jimmins by phone from Lawrence Livermore Labs in California.

The technique, or variety of techniques, borrow from technology currently employed in the hydrofracturing process used to extract natural gas.

“It’s steroids for the planet, a no-brainer. You want to hit a home run; get on the juice. The short story is we need to inject just about every goddamn thing we can get our hands on, as far and deep into the core of this sucker as possible. It’s the only way to go,” Jimmins elaborated.

Backers of the steroids plan have known of its probable success for some time, but have kept it under wraps until the recent press leak due to the political hurdles and stigma attached to steroids.

“You know, these media fairies need to figure out what the hell to call this thing. Can’t call it steroids, that’s obvious, but that’s what it is. You know that’s not my bag, I’m a scientist, not  PR blowhard,” added Dr. Jimmins before retreating to his lab to continue modeling experiments.

He denied the leaks came from his labs but acknowledged some of the other scientists “around here” have had trouble keeping their mouths shut.

The scientist recommended checking back “once they clean it up for public consumption.”

So, until then.

Whether Obama is a one-term president or sticks around longer than FDR, it’s all the same to him.

-He better do something or he might not win in 2012!

-Obama’s approval rating slipping!

-Has the president lost the American people?

Blah,blah blah. When will anybody realize this president gets up, fluffs out his ears, heads to the breakfast table and asks what’s on the agenda for today?

This guy makes money. He is not interested in ‘leading the American people,’ whatever that means. Obama certainly doesn’t have time to consider such riduculous philosophical concepts – he is the talent. And the talent has a schedule, and handlers, and appearances. And those appearances pay big bucks. That might not be MLK’s big dream or the American dream, but it sure as hell is Obama’s dream and he has realized it. And will continue to do so regardless of any polls or elections or the perceived efficacy of his so-called job which nobody bothers to understand or define.

We know the American people and the world are wearing blinders, but are they also wearing earmuffs? Can they hear the Kaa-Chingg???

It’s time to say goodbye to the W’s forever, and we don’t mean George.

Two currently threatened W’s that are unlikely to make a comeback anytime soon are Work and Water.

As far as work goes, the Exploited Times has been chanting population since its inception, so U.N. statements are as inconsequential to this publication as the entity itself is inconsequential to world affairs in general, which is to say, totally inconsequential.

Simply put, in the absence of a drastic population reduction event (not that unlikely), there will never be close to enough work on this planet, and by ‘work’ we mean a job and paycheck.

This has been very obvious for decades if not centuries. Every day a new piece of technology eliminates X jobs and every day the population expands by X people looking for a job. No need to seek more variables though they are easy to find.

Another way to put it for the scientifically averse: There are way more people than jobs, and the ratio increases every second.

Now for water, not that many care about this minor item. We can basically substitute the word ‘water’ for ‘work’ in the paragraphs above. Simply put again, there are way more people than there is  sufficient fresh water, and the ratio is increasing by the second.

It’s not that big a deal, really. It’s just a couple of W’s.

In a controversial and unprecedented maneuver,  protesters pool money to pay down lunch tabs at Del Posto and Masa  for leading lobbyist Bryan Cave.

As the Occupy movement strains for a political statement, unnamed leaders decided to play for real.

“Politics cost money, period. We’re not stupid; we know this. You got to pay to play,” said a sober activist in NYC.

The occupiers created a fund and sent one of it’s own best dressed representatives to each of the popular restaurants to clear the lunch tabs of heavy-hitting lobbyist Bryan Cave. The activists had previously agreed to tackle only the lunch bills at this juncture, due to financial constraints. Even so, the fund was insufficient to cancel the monthly tab at either venue.

“Let’s just say we were able to make a pretty good dent, and we believe this will go a long way in getting the attention of some of the main power players in this city,” said another unnamed spokeswoman.

The protesters have had it with corporate greed and other injustices. But do they really even know what to be mad about?

As members of the Occupy movement scrawl slogans on posterboard and repeat the chants of intellectuals condemning the rich, the daily grind of global exploitation continues unfettered. The human race, wealthy bankers and activists alike, continues to expand wholly unaddressed by either faction. The life resources needed by both the activists and the bankers – food, water, and fuel – continue to be unavailable for a greater number of humans today than yesterday.

Exploitation is the only system the human race has ever known. Extracting whatever it can get as fast as it can get it is the de facto biological raison d’etre for this species.

Only  in the twilight of proliferation can luxuries of construct such as political ideology and economic theory appear. These are the manifest of a species no longer burdened by the necessity of survival, a species with enough free time on its hands to explore the cognitive power of the mind.

And thus is was that apart from extraction and reproduction, the species became preoccupied with constructs of theory, each more elaborate than the next. The constructs evolved into an obsession, a new biological raison d’etre to augment those of extraction and reproduction, which had become automatic and no longer occupied the cognitive realm of the species’ existence.

And here we dwell in this chapter of evolution.

The ambiguities of the Occupy movement gelled into a cohesive strategy Friday, with working groups in major cities adopting one universal focus.

“We’ve decided to shit-can the demands and go with ass-kissing,” a leading activist reported.

“Demands are turning out to be a big hassle and these rich dudes are some tight-asses. Ass-kissing is tried and true; this way we’ll see some results pretty quick.”

The change in tactics comes several weeks after the movement hit parks and though not unanimous, the ass-kissing approach is currently the dominant theme and activists are rallying behind the breakthrough idea.

“Finally we’re getting somewhere. It feels great to agree on something and make some progress!”

While many protesters are leftover, disoriented Deadheads who simply enjoy camping in public places, there are also those who wield requests for a wide range of items. These requests include the return of the government,  the return of the country…and  yes, even the return of the infamous, miserable J. O .B.

And it’s not a joke. Some appear to actually want a job. It’s possible some have been out of work for so long as to forget how bad their last job was, and how little it paid. How many of these job demanders quit their last jobs precisely because it sucked? Probably quite a few.

So it’s a safe bet that most of the campers don’t really, truly want  jobs to rain down on them after all. If that happened, they’d have to pull up stakes and the party would be over. No more late night campfire chants, no more unanimous revelations. They’d have to get up early tomorrow because it would be a work night.

Remember work nights? Those are the nights where you camp out in front of an illuminated box of commercials costing you $150 a month, probably close to 10% of your monthly take-home. Maybe a few beers to help forget the math that proves the gas, insurance, parking, and maintenance on the crappy car that gets you to your job wipes out another 40% of that stellar take-home pay – the same crappy pay these delusional campers are demanding. There must be some great acid going around some of these parks, an acid trip that feels like democracy. Another $150 a month for a cell phone plan that permits 15 second calls before blacking out, and the rest of that job money disappears in a cloud of utilities and rent, don’t mention kids if you have them.

With all these great benefits afforded the working stiff, it’s no wonder he’s headed for the park. But the last thing he is there for is a job. Fuck, no. He is there to get as far away from that job as he possibly can, and the longer he is away, the better. In fact, if he can figure out a way to make that job disappear forever, well, now that’s a hell of a good reason to wail some chants and wield some signs. Alas, even all the good acid in the world can’t make the delusion of democracy any more real, can’t make him believe that any of the rich guys in his periphery could ever give a fuck about him. Hell, no. He’s got some friends who got rich and became assholes, too. They don’t give him a dime, so why would any of the others?

So it’s a big bowl of sour grapes. Go camping, have a good time. But remember to leave the politics out of it. Politics are never any fun for the little guy and, acid or no,  participating in politics COSTS MONEY.

That’s why none of these happy campers can be happy. They’ve politicized their camping trip. And what could be more miserable than an unfunded political venture?

Already accused of lacking credentials and pedigree, the Occupy PR team suffered a blow this weekend when hoards of zombies united with the cause across parks worldwide.

99% AND FED UP

An estimated 700,000 zombies of all economic backgrounds flooded city centers and parks in Europe and the USA, armed with slogans indicating that they represent a significant faction of the 99%. Initial attempts to segregate the zombies were immediately abandoned as the zombies and their agenda blended seamlessly into the movement. Within hours integrated zombie/citizen focus groups dominated the landscape.

“The more the merrier,” said one anonymous group leader.

“Nobody’s here to discriminate. We’re here for the same reason. We’re all the same here. We’re 99%”

That’s it, we’ve had it. Time to protest.

Protest against Big Oil & Gas and the use of its machines, cars, plastic,  and fertilizers. Protest the clothes made by child slave labor, by kids who eat out of garbage cans. Protest against wasting more resources per person than anyone anywhere. These things have got to go, go, go!

So who’s to blame for all these atrocities? Put his name on a sign and shut him down. Here’s how: Get up, take a gas heated shower in your gas heated home, eat some gas fertilized breakfast, put on your Chinese slave clothes, get in a car that’s half plastic and filled with gasoline and go find some processed cardboard to help get rid of these wasteful motherfuckers asap.

Sure the bankers and corporate execs have more money than the 99%. Shit, maybe they’ve got 99% of the money. But they don’t have all the mirrors yet, so we suggest the 99% GO LOOK IN ONE.

99% BULLSHIT.

How to fill a planet.

Babies are cute. We are not here to dispute that. All kinds of babies, not just human babies. Some believe that baby polar bears are among the cutest species of baby, and we don’t dispute that either. Maybe that’s what the planet was put here for – to fill it up with babies, many of whom will grow bigger over time. If so, then we are on track for success in realizing this objective.

The human inhabitants of this world have more than doubled their numbers in the last 50 years and at the current rate will double their numbers again in the next 50 years.

This is very good news for economists, because prevailing economic theory is predicated upon infinite growth. Under this theory, numbers can continue to increase in size infinitely, thereby allowing infinite freedom in accounting, since an infinite mathematical realm knows no boundaries. As such, this model has gained universal popularity and continuous expansion  is the common denominator driving this principle. Here we will  apply this mathematical model to the physical arena in which it is practiced. In our case , this is in, and/or on, the planet known as ‘Earth.’

For the sake of simplicity, let’s pretend Earth is a cage and people are  rabbits. Rabbits can live in a cage as long as they’ve got food and water and the cage gets cleaned out regularly. But eventually the rabbits wind up multiplying like rabbits, and pretty soon they won’t all fit in the same cage. More cages are needed to house them, so some move away to other cages somewhere else, where they can live as long as they’ve got food and water and the cage gets cleaned out regularly.

This is where we encounter a snag in the theory as it applies to humans and the Earth. Thus far, humans have been living in one cage that has never been cleaned. This cage  has a large body of water in it,  so luckily all the shit can be thrown into the water to maintain a relatively livable cage.

This cage also has a shitload of food in it so the humans have been able to live and multiply, like the rabbits in their cage. Remember after the rabbits multiplied they got taken to another cage. But up to now the Earth is the only cage for humans  so they will not be taken to a new one when they no longer fit.

Now, this is not an economic problem. In economics one merely needs to add a decimal place to move out of the proverbial economic cage and into a brand-new fresh cage, one of a conveniently infinite supply of available decimal places afforded the economist for just such an occasion.

And here is where becomes evident the disconnect between the prevailing economic model of infinite growth and the physical model of infinite growth as applied to the physical realm defined by the planet known as Earth. Of course, if we were to expand the physical model beyond the boundaries of the Earth/cage model and into that of one defined by  infinite characteristics, this disconnect would become less evident.

Perhaps this is why what appears to be a quite obvious disconnect has failed to influence the prevailing model of infinite growth, as it is unilaterally applied to the species and its cage just as if  the cage possessed infinite characteristics. Indeed, it has been stated by economic leaders that ” there is no reason to believe” that the characteristics of the cage are not, in fact, infinite.

So there we have it. There are those among us – notably those in economic power – who insist that the characteristics of the realm known as Earth are, in fact, infinite. And there are those among us, notably those who have applied the human/rabbit and Earth/cage model, who insist that the characteristics of the realm known as Earth are, in fact, not infinite.

And thus continues the march to infinity.