By j doe | November 24, 2009 - 12:53 am - Posted in news commentary, unreal news
 
REJECTS REACH MAJORITY

REJECTS REACH MAJORITY

An unidentified number of groups formerly not known to be affiliated with the ‘Dipshit’ party have now come forward in a unified front that is threatening to secede.

  The Dipshit party, whose numbers are said to be in the billions, have issued a statement vowing to secede from their existing ruling bodies (not all Dipshits claim US citizenship) and unite, creating an internationally recognized sovereign power.

“This is the time for Dipshits to stand up for who we are and what we believe in. There is no shame in being a Dipshit. The Dipshits will be heard and we are not going away.” – from a press release issued in 84 countries

OH NO! NOT THE DIPSHITS

OH NO! NOT THE DIPSHITS

World powers were aware that many groups were planning to unite, but it was unclear when and under what moniker the newly formed entity would be known. There remains some ambiguity around the identity of the president or leader of the Dipshit Party, as none has stepped forward nor mentioned by name in the press release.

By j doe | October 21, 2009 - 11:24 pm - Posted in unreal news

A frustrated Joe Dilborn plops down on his former street after learning the bad news.

JUST CAN'T WIN

JUST CAN'T WIN

Mr. Dilborn puchased his property based on a preliminary approval from Jefferson County planning, to allow him to correct structural issues with the home.

That was in 2004, when Dilborn bought the place for $225,000. Since then he has spent $42,000 on plans and engineering, and the 2-bedroom property is now worth only $85,000.

The county wouldn’t allow the building to be inhabited until the corrections were performed, so Joe was unable to recoup any costs through rents, or live there himself.  He has been staying with a relative out of state.

Joe learned today that after nearly 5 years, the county was ready to issue a conditional work permit for the repairs- at a total fee of $51,250. When calculating submittal costs and permit fees, the cost to begin work  totaled $93,250.

Joe did not indicate what the costs to perform the work might be, as it is his intent to throw in the towel.

“I’m just not finding any way to make the numbers work, but am grateful for the opportunity to work with the county on this matter,” the forlorn would-be homeowner said, before setting awhile to ponder what might have been.

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By j doe | October 2, 2009 - 2:15 am - Posted in news commentary, unreal news
UNIDENTIFIED OPERATIVES

UNIDENTIFIED OPERATIVES

A fringe revolutionary militia group purported to be planning “multiple revolt uprisings”  directed from operatives  “right from their own couches,” has postponed 2 target dates listed on their website, according to a spokesman who wouldn’t divulge his identity.

“We’ve been talking about it, and I think we’re getting close to making it happen.  You don’t just jump off the couch and snap your fingers on something like this.  This is serious shit.”

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By j doe | October 1, 2009 - 3:41 am - Posted in unreal news

WITH LEGISLATION IN BAG, INDUSTRY STRONG

A consortium of private health insurers convened in Florida this week for the annual “cash count” celebration.

The mood was buoyant, and one particularly jovial exec explained, “There has been a lot of media hype about this public option, but our lobby hasn’t given us any cause for concern,” adding, “This is an event we all look forward to.  We’re feeling pretty good right now with Baucus, and it’s a time for us to let our hair down, so to speak.”

HMO EXEC STANLEY CHEDARS AND FRIENDS

HMO EXEC STANLEY CHEDARS AND FRIENDS

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By j doe | September 25, 2009 - 7:41 pm - Posted in unreal news

Bettors can take their pick in a triple-threat offering even odds for a NUCLEAR BLAST vs. REAL ESTATE REBOUND vs. FINDING LIFE ON ANOTHER PLANET.  Bettors can opt to collect on New Years 2010 or 2011.

“We’re seeing marginal activity on this play right now, but expect some volume as the year end approaches,” reports Uore Skreud at MGM Enterprises.

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