CULTURE
    UPDATE:

Suburbs succeed in
disinfecting all culture

I LIKE YOUR HOUSE

I LIKE YOUR HOUSE

A recent foray into the suburbs of the North, South, East and West Bay Areas confirm suspicion, that all cultural diversity has been disinfected from these areas, providing a sterile platform for the next generation.

Investigators combed the suburbs for weeks looking for ‘hot spots’ of culture, tracking down rumors of supposed sightings. 

Commander John Johnson of Cultural Disinfection confirmed that his teams of highly trained specialists had meticulously doused the few hot spots they discovered.
“We’ve pretty much got this thing whipped,” he said, after a long day patrolling the outlying suburbs.  “We investigated the sightings reported, and found them to be mostly false.”
 
The long rows of identical homes and garages revealed the exact same contents, and were thusly rendered culturally void, according to disinfection protocol. 

Additional criteria included polling residents.

“In nearly every case, the residents contained identical ideas, apparently formed by TV shows watched on sets that varied only slightly.  Our study controls for varied T.V. set models, so that doesn’t influence the culture factor,” Johnson explained.

Data shows that residents also watered the sidewalks in front of their homes with similar frequency. 

The annual study was initially commissioned by the State Department in the year 2000, and introduced in 24 counties statewide, including 12 in Northern California. 

Politicos, frequently traveling abroad on the public dime, noticed upon returning to their neighborhoods that cultural diversity seemed to be proliferating. 

Following a lengthy $12 million report awarded to connected consultants, a group of concerned state and city officials created the Cultural Disinfection Program to create a ‘more mainstream aesthetic’ for our suburbs and help to ‘homogenize the landscape.’

According to Johnson and his teams, the going is so far, so good.